Bewilder McSloshingtons

Quinn's
1001 E Pike St
Seattle, WA 98127

I was completely underwhelmed and annoyed by Quinn's.

The first thing that happened was my menu was blank. Like, not printed. So I asked for a new one from our waiter, who immediately branded me the table's "problem child." Then he took our drink order; when I asked if their Tom Collins was made with sour mix or fresh lemons, he proudly said, "Mix!" Wrong answer. A TOM COLLINS IS ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS MADE FRESH LEMONS. So I ordered a Fisk, one of their signature cocktails, and it was ok. Kinda sour, kinda bitter, lotsa boozy.

Then waiterguy took our food order - being the problem child, I asked which items were meatless to which he responded with a wry grin and a bit too much conspiratorial double-entendre, "honey, we're very meat-forward here," and pointed me towards a sliced pear and endive salad.

But you must understand, I'm hungry, I'm a big gal, and I'm drinking an uberboozy drink. I'm gonna need something a little more substantial than a small endive salad. Too bad there wasn't anything. I think I said out loud that I'd be going elsewhere for a different, better dinner later. My companions had an easier time, as the meaty choices were plenty and they all looked as though they'd be pretty tasty.

So our waiter jots down our choices, walks away, goes 'boop boop boop' over at his computer, then comes back and asks us if we'd had a chance to look at the menu and would we like to order. Aroo? He was reminded that we had just ordered, less than 4 minutes ago, remember, that one time that you were at our table and we talked about food? And you wrote down what we wanted? Yeah, that was a great time...

After a while, our dinners arrived - well, the boyfriend's hammy cheese sandwich, the friend's lentil thingee, and the mini-meatball "sliders" (which were NOT from White Castle, therefore NOT sliders), and my teeny weenie, delicate, dainty, endive salad with translucent pear slices and 3 small nubs of feta. It was pretty, really pretty, but not a meal. The sandwich, I hear, was tasty but not spectacular. Just a grilled cheese with ham. No frills, no fries. And why they couldn't have made that a meatless grilled cheese for me is beyond ridiculous, but whatevs. Our friend got a curried cauliflower and lentil dish, which looked really good and I wanted to try it, but it reeked of secret hidden chicken stock. And the mini burger meatball sandwich doo-dads looked like the cream puffs served with pho, only stuffed with beef not sweet cream.

We ate and chatted and stuff. It was nice.

Until... our waiter *sat *down *at *our *table with us and asked what were doing that evening. I gave him a really cagey answer, something like "oh, we're just playing it by ear" because he was pushing all of my privacy buttons and I really don't like waiter banter. Totally none of his business. He was oblivious to my get-the-hell-outta-my-face 'tude and proceeded to tell us to avoid Pioneer Square because it was "all Fratty McFratterson down there" and that he really liked Ozzy's in Queen Anne because he got all "Bewilder McSloshingtons" there one time. NOT THAT WE ASKED. Or cared. Then he asked what 'hoods we all lived in and gave us his little neighborhood reviews. I was seriously ready to punch him in the chest with my fork. Good thing I was weak from hunger.

Oh! Then he was talking about his tattoos and how he wanted to get something on the back of his neck; something animal-centric, "but no Discovery Channel stuff." What does that even mean? Shark Week? God! Waiter! Shut up Already!

He invited us back and said he'd love to buy us dessert sometime, but I'm wondering how would he remember us on a later occasion if he couldn't even recall when we ordered food from him that same day.

I wanted dinner, not a new best friend.

Fail.


Here's a proper Tom Collins:

2 ounces Gin
1 ounce fresh lemon juice, or better, 1 whole lemon, quartered
1 teaspoon sugar or simple syrup
4 ounces cold club soda
Slice of orange and a maraschino cherry

Muddle the en-tire lemon in a glass with ice and sugar, add Gin and top with club soda.
Vodka, limes, or any other ingredients are not allowed.

A Vodka Collins is made with vodka, a John Collins with whiskey, and a Rum Collins is made with, you guessed it, rum. If a Tom Collins is ever served up with limes instead of lemons, send it back immediately! You've been slipped a Gin Rickey and it's not acceptable for a bartender to do that to you.

Remiss #1

World Wrapps

Columbia Center & 4T

Seattle, WA, 98101

The Teriyaki Tofu wrap contained exactly 2 pieces of tofu and 23 large pieces of mushroom. Fail!

Artemis
757 Bellevue Ave E
(at Roy St)
Seattle, WA 98102

Tetsuo No Boyfriendo and I tried to go here on a Friday evening, but couldn't find parking. We drove around and around and around and around for what seemed like a million billion years. Then we gave up. We went back on Saturday, kinda early, and got in just in time to grab a coveted window seat and watch the sun setting over the Space Needle. It was awesome.

Not-so awesome, however, was the menu. There was exactly one vegetarian entree, and it was chock full of eggplant, so the boy and I decided to share some appetizers and maybe get a different, better dinner later. Being a Mediterranean place, they had the requisite hummus, and it was really good - chick peas, olives, olive oil, and a veritable shitton of garlic. It was accompanied by inadequate pita, though; a large ice cream scoop-sized lump of hummus requires more than 4 tiny wedges of bread. Come on! Pita is cheap, give it up.

The cauliflower frites were divine, accompanied by this lemony garlic aioli that was absolutely out of this world. I'd go back for those. In a heartbeat. In a deep-fried, heart-stopping beat.


The boy had prawns, which were soaking in some oily stuff and needed to be cleaned. So he was Mr. Greasyfingers and if our dinner had been a business thing or a first date, I'd have been completely horrified. If one is expected to de-shell one's own shrimp, the shrimp must be easily handlable.

So, points off for not having a dedicated parking lot, points off for not having adequate veggie fare, and points off for making food difficult to eat. Not a total fail, though, because there was much tastiness in the items i could eat and they pour one heck of a nice Sidecar - it's made with house-infused bartlett brandy.

Bottleneck
2328 E Madison St
Seattle, WA 98138

Superawesome! Grilled cheese sandwiches are the specialty and classic cocktails are the house's preferred pour. Longer review later.

Calamity Jane's
5701 Airport Way S
Ste A
(between Carstens Pl & Homer St)
Seattle, WA 98108

There are no veggie options that do not contain mushrooms, so my mainstay is the Soup, Salad, and Johnnycakes option. It's a good combo, in theory, but the soup is usually of the meaty variety so I give it to someone else and therefore kinda feel like I'm getting hosed on the deal. The Johnnycakes, though, heaven! Crispy, corny, hot, and served up with a very deliciously tangy pomegranate syrup. If the salad was a bit more substantial, the dish would be better by far.

What I'd love more than anything was if their vegetarian Cottage Pie had barley in it instead of shitake mushrooms, because that would make it a) authentic, and 2) something I'd actually want to eat. I'm all for lentils and veggies under a cheesy mashed cauliflower and potato crust, but putting mushrooms in the mix makes it absolutely inedible. The other mushroom option is a grilled portabello sandwichy thing, which is a step up from forzen veggieburgers, but it's still a soft option and I'm not gonna eat it. Also lacking is a macaroni and cheese option. Plus, the place is noisy as all get out, so having a conversation with my dining companion is just outta the question. Humbug.

Austin Cantina: I Walked Away Hungry

5809 24th Ave NW

Seattle, WA, 98107

When the boyfriend and I first walked into the Austin Cantina, I was heartened – I’d read good things about the many vegetarian options of "authentic" Tex-Mex cuisine that awaited me at the new joint in my ‘hood, and I was all ready and willing to eat my weight in queso and refries and whatever else they had to suit my fancy.

Well… lemme tell ya… ready and willing notwithstanding, I was completely unable. I went home hungry and angry. Hangry.

First of all, the menu wasn’t entirely veggie-friendly. The only things I remember offhand were some veggie enchiladas and a veggie chili, which were just some meaty dishes served up without the meat in ‘em. I’ll get to that later.

After ordering up a Shiner Bock, I asked our waitress if the queso was available in a meatless version. She went back into the kitchen to inquire, and a few moments later, someone stepped out of the kitchen, looked at our table, and snapped, “Never!” Seriously uncool. And let me tell you, I was just in Austin, the real Austin, never had any trouble getting veggie queso. Every single restaurant I went to had at least one veggie version on the menu, often two or three varieties, and I never got any guff or even an askance glance when asking about vegetarian options. Strike one.

Appetizerless, we sallied forth onto the entrees. I had the vegetarian enchiladas, and the boydude had chicken. Both were disappointing.

Simply not adding meat and meaty byproducts to an item does leave it veggie-friendly, but also leaves it sorely lacking. Meat is an ingredient that, when used properly, blends in flavor and texture with the rest of the dish, supporting and highlighting all flavors, colors, and textures. My enchiladas were missing that certain special something – the inclusion of a tender, somewhat fatty texture like avocado chunks would have helped, or a hearty helping of seasoned potatoes, refried beans, or grilled tofu would have absolutely rocked. But nope, my soggy tortillas were barely graced with diced zucchini, a little onion, and a sprinkle of cheese. Lame. And also strike two.

The grilled chicken, I hear, was fabulous – the part that was cooked, that is. The staff replaced the uncooked chicken with a mole dish, which smelled wonderful and which the boy ate with no complaint, so I’m guessing it was good. But still, there’s no excuse for serving food that’s simply not prepared correctly. Strike three.

We did not stay for dessert.

Here's a nice and easy veggie queso recipe for y'all:

1 medium onion, chopped
1 clove garlic, minced
2 tablespoons butter or margarine
1 (4 ounce) can chopped green chilies
2 1/2 cups shredded Cheddar cheese
2 cups shredded Monterey Jack cheese
1 cup milk

In a saucepan, saute onion and garlic in butter until tender. Add chilies; cook and stir for 5 minutes. Reduce heat to low. Gradually add small amounts of cheeses and milk; stir until melted after each addition. Serve warm with margaritas and tortilla chips.

If you want to get fancy -and i know you do- top with cubed avocado, pico de gallo, and dashes of hot chili powder.

Wild Mountain Cafe

1408 N.W. 85th Street
Seattle, WA 98117

I just got back from one of my favorite restaurants, the Wild Mountain Cafe. It is awesome - simply awesome.

I have a mad crush on their breakfasts, especially the garlic potato cakes; they're not like your average, everyday potato cake. They're soft and fluffy, made with mashed potatoes and creamy roasted garlic, and lightly cooked, not fried in heavy oil. I could eat them all day. No lie. In fact, since the untimely and unfortunate demise of The Longshoreman's Daughter (r.i.p), Wild Mountain serves up some of my favorite breakfasts in the city.

Mostly, I'm a 2 eggs - hard scrambled, toast, and taters kind of gal, and the Jane Doe plate suits me just fine, but when I'm in the mood for something sweet, I'm all over the Persian Sun French Toast. Tahini-filled bread with pineapple and a lemony honey syrup. Heaven. It's supposed to come with ham, but I say fuck that. Ham is for suckers.

In dinner news, the 4x4 Mac and Cheese is the ultimate comfort food. It's the best of all worlds - carbs and cheese (aka Prozac for Scandis). Add if you didn't think that a ginormous plate of pasta and cheese was enough, you get some really tasty organic country bread with it, so you can shovel in even more carbs. If you really wanna get sleepy go crazy, eat your dinner in the fireplace room and wash it all down with a pint or two of beer.

Another favorite is the Chile Relleno, a fire-roasted poblano pepper stuffed with cheesy goodness and topped with cheesy goodness and decorated with toasted pine nuts. I've heard the Voodoo Catfish and Prawn Pasta are tasty, but I can neither confirm nor deny.

Other bits of wonderfulness include:

• It's a woman-owned business
• If you need moving boxes, just give them a call; they'll set aside a million billion of them for you
• Their garden is all super-ecologically designed
• They're recycling maniacs and are dedicated to sustainable practices
• Oh yeah, and again, the food = delicious.

The Crankmaster Flash in me needs to point out that this establishment serves veal - which makes baby kittens cry - but I can overlook that while chowing down on my fave comfort foods. Sometimes elective memory is a truly fantastic thing.



Here's a Mac & Cheese recipe for you:

1/2 pound macaroni
3 tbsp butter
3 tbsp flour
1 tbsp powdered mustard
1 1/2cups milk
1 1/2 cups sweet corn chowder from a box
1/2 cup onion - diced
1 bay leaf
couple dashes of paprika
1 large egg
12 ounces sharp cheddar, shredded
salt
pepper

Topping:
3 tbsp butter
1 cup rye bread crumbs

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.

Boil the macaroni to al dente.

While the macaroni is boiling, melt the butter in a separate pan. Whisk the flour and mustard into the butter and and stir for about five minutes, then slowly add in the milk. Whisk 1 minute, then add the soup, onion, bay leaf, and paprika. Simmer for ten minutes and remove the bay leaf.

Slowly stir in the egg. Stir in 3/4 of the cheese. Season with salt and pepper. Fold the macaroni into the mix and pour into a 2-quart casserole dish. Top with remaining cheese.

For the topping:
Melt the butter in a sauté pan and toss in the bread crumbs. Stir until the crumbs are evenly buttery. Add some more black pepper and maybe just a hint of fresh chopped basil and winter savory (just a hint!), then spread evenly on top of the mac and cheese.
Bake about 30 minutes.

Zayda Buddy's Is Not Your Friend

5404 Leary Ave NW
Seattle, WA 98105
(206) 783-7777

The boypal and I went to Zayda Buddy's Pizza last night, and... ...it was awful. I don't even know where to begin listing off all the things that sucked, but chronologically seems as good a criteria as any, and easier for me to remember. So here you go - a list with many unnecessary emboldings and italics.

First off, this restaurant is supposedly "Minnesota style," but it fails to deliver any sense of Midwesternness. Sure, there are a few Minnesotaish trappings tossed around the menu here and there, but they get lost in all the other not-quite regional airs (hello, Chicago and St. Louis?) There's no sense of Minnesotaness, on the menu or (thankfully!) in the decor. Which is kind of odd, because Ballard really is the Fargo of Seattle. While I'm glad that there were no wall-sized murals of trout streams or posters advertising Powdermilk Biscuits, I'd hoped for a twinge, a teeny tiny twinge, of that back-home feel. Zayda Buddy's menu did have a smattering of stereotypical MN foods - Tater Tot Casserole, Deep-Fried Burgers, and Wild Rice Soup - but a few items do not a regional cuisine make.

And with that, on to the review:
First of all, I waited 5 minutes to get seated. The place was dead and still I waited 5 minutes. If i hadn't been meetin' up with the boy, I'd have already left.

Then the drinks! God! The horror!
The drink menu was a total mess. Most are, and I'm really not a fan of repurposing perfectly good cocktails/cocktail names to suit a theme. To that end, there's no such thing as a Minnesota Bullfrog. Bartenders everywhere, take note - Vodka, Kahlua, and cream with a splash of cola on top is a called Colorado Bulldog, and it's served in a lowball glass, with hazelnuts. Points given for having a Colorado Bulldog on the menu - that cocktail is a rarity in these parts - but points taken away for insisting on calling it something stupid.

Also worth noting, the traditional drink along the shores of Lake Superior is not a North Star; a concoction of brandy, vodka, and pomegranate. No really, it's not. You know what the traditional drink is? It's black coffee and Bud Light. There may be a few holdouts for Buckhorn, Steinhaus or Pfieffer's, but that's it. In that neck of the woods, fancy might get ya killed.

Oh, and in Minnesota, a shot of hooch with a small beer back is called "a shot." At Zayda Buddy's, a shot of hooch with a pint of beer is called a "Minnesota Martini." Fail.

Also on the Fail List is the Minnesota Pop - "grape soda for big kids." A real grape soda for big kids is purple Kool-Aid mixed up with Everclear, not some weirdy Chambord and lemon concoction.

On to the food. Zayda Buddy's pizza oven was broken, so we couldn't try their "Minnesota style" pizza (cracker crust, square cut; which is really St. Louis style, everybody knows that), and evidently we couldn't try their reubens either. When I asked about vegetarian status of the green bean casserole, our dudely-dude waiter said rather snidely that it wasn't vegetarian (what??), so I threw in the towel and had a veggie sandwich instead. The meatless options were few, far between, and far from appetizing.

Back to the veggie sandwich - umm ... it was greasy and it did not taste good. I'm not entirely sure how a smattering of vegetables, some half-melted mozarella, and dry.white.toast can drip oil, but they did. I ended up peeling off and casting aside the tomato first, then pulling out the avocado and eating dipping that in the boy's salad dressing, then eating the Pringles.

The boyfriend wanted a reuben, but snootywaiter said he couldn't have one because the pizza oven was broken, so he had the green bean casserole which I had been denied (parenthetically - which, hello, should be called hot dish). He said it was not so great. And now I'm wondering how the cheese on my sandwich got melty if there was no oven. Oh sweet mystery.

I'm struggling to find one good thing to say about the meal. And that one thing is that my Pringles were good. Pringles come standard with a sandwich, French fries are $2 more.

Other menu weirdnesses included the use of "youse guys" which is a Chicagoan term, not a Minnesotan one; and the omnipresent veggie burger. Please, restaurants, give up on this! They don't taste good, they're not vegetarian (handled with meaty hands, cooked on a meaty grill), and face it, they're simply not an acceptable menu item. Total cop out.

As not-great as this experience was, I will admit there were a few things that just might redeem the place:

• The pizza just might be good, even though it's wrongly-geographically credited.
  
• Deep fried cheese curds! It's hard to fuck those up. Except by charging $6. If i go back, and if I order them, I'd better get a million billion of them things.
• The grilled cheese sandwich is Velveeta on Texas toast, with Pringles on the side. Hard to go wrong with that kind of comfort food.
  
• Wild rice soup - I'm sure that's not veggie friendly, either, even though it damn well should be, but it's nice that it exists.

I expected better from the fine folks who brought us Bauhaus Coffee and Top Pot. But it turns out the rest of Seattle seems mightily unimpressed, too.

Here is a real Minnesotan recipe:

Green Bean Casserole

note: there are as many variations of this as there are lakes in MN - close to 15,000. Most follow the green beans + cream of something soup + fried onions from a can = delicious route. It's a good road to follow, but I really hate cream of something soup, so I changed things up a bit. Most also use mushrooms, and i don't abide that, either. Greasy little slimedevils...

about a pound of fresh green beans, washed and with the ends cut off
1 small onion, sliced thinly
big pinch of parsley
1 1/2 tbsp butter
2 tbsp flour
zest from 1/2 of a lemon
salt, pepper, the usual seasonings
1/2 cup milk
1 cup sour cream
1/2 cup grated cheddar cheese
fried onions from a can

Steam the green beans until just tender, drain, and rinse in cold water. Brown the onions, parsley, and lemon peel in the butter. Slowly blend in flour, salt, and pepper. If you like, add a small dash of curry powder, caraway seeds, or celery salt, too. Maybe not all 3 at the same time, though. Use your judgment.
Stir in the milk and cook until the roux is all thick and bubbly, stirring constantly. Add the sour cream, blend well, then stir in the green beans. Spoon into a 1-quart casserole and top with cheese. Bake at 350 for 20 minutes, top with fried onions from a can, and bake an additional 5 minutes.